Quotable Dick Ward

The Quotable Dick Ward
Characteristic Remarks and Memorable Sayings
Words of the Father
	"This . . . is a Daddy Lecture." "You're not too big to be spanked!" "The only safe object to put into your ear is your own elbow, wrapped in a coat." "Forgery is illegal . . . they'll put you in jail." "Your mother called me at work today, and she was in tears." "I never liked coffee until I stopped drinking it with milk and sugar." "Do you want me to take off my belt?" "I'm proud of all of you." "Cars and houses always know when you have extra money come in." "Mountains are beautiful, and they don't care if you're there to see them, or not." "My father swore that the cleaning woman had a one-legged boyfriend." "Because I hate you and I'm picking on you, that's why."
Words of the Husband
	"Don't confuse me with the facts, my mind is made up." "I'm going to put plastic domes on all of the tables." "This place is a hazerai!" "God doesn't need you to worry about the sparrows to keep them in the sky."
Words of the Grandfather
	"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." "Choose your battles." "Wouldn't it be great if we could all eat shit and walk around naked?" "People don't move to Brooklyn, they move away from Brooklyn." "Parenthood is a lifetime sentence."
Words of the Political Analyst
	"The Democrats think you can solve any problem by throwing money at it." "We knew [President Bill Clinton] was a scumbag when we elected him . . . why are we surprised now?" "There isn't a Democratic or Republican way to collect the garbage." "[Senator Daniel] Moynihan and [Governor Hugh] Carey are just flannel-mouthed Irishmen."
Words of the Officer
	"Almost only counts in horseshoe and hand grenades."
Words of the Tech Writer
	"Throw the horse over the fence some hay." "That's like trying to separate the fly shit from the pepper."